I know that I've mentioned before about our five year plan. When we got married two years ago we decided that we wanted to experience married life first, travel more (I wanted to visit Europe a few more times) and take care of some loose ends (Mr. J wants to get his Masters, I to begin working toward my dream). So in 5 years we would return to the topic of children. I have to admit though, I do get those feelings, like when I see an adorable fat cheeked baby wearing a cute hat or a sweet toddler talking in their own language or when a child is amused by the most mundane things or when I look at Mr. J's childhood pictures. Then, the reality hits. I come across an unpleasant adult and remember, "Oh yeah, they grow up." It's then that I'm reminded of my fear: I hope my child doesn't turn out that way. Mr. J and I have had these long, random conversations before about children, and he is definitely on the same page with that fear. The thing that's most important to us is raising good people. It seems like a banal concern but I've come across some awful individuals in my life and that's the one thing that sticks in my views on procreating. My husband said it in the most succinct way: He would feel awful if his child hurt someone.
Children can be a reflection of our dreams or failures and, quite frankly, I don't want to project my shortcomings onto them. I want to have my "ish" together before I have any. I want to own it before sharing it with a little one. Ultimately, I want to be a more complete person. It's a work in progress because I still have some rough edges to smooth out. But I'm working on it.
|Photos by me|